Jeremy's Zombie Survival Field Guide

Foreword: This post is to inform certain friends of the reality and dangers of zombies. Please read carefully all that I have put forth, as one day, what you learn here could save yours and the lives of your friends and family in the event of a sudden and imminent zombie attack. If you are unsure of any practices to be mentioned, or would like to request additional information on the defense and fortification against zombies, please contact me through the information on this website. Thank you.

This guide will go through the identification of zombies, how to defend and fortify a building against attacks, how to kill a zombie, and what to do in the case of face to face encounters with zombies. All practices mentioned henceforth are safe and practical means that will save your life and the lives around you when performed with care and determination. Variance from the information to follow can lead to a painful and gruesome death. Let’s begin!


Identification: Zombies generally come in two forms, however new research into zombie origins is always advancing, and new forms may be discovered in the near future. For now, we will only focus on the two main types, as these are the most commonly encountered. The first is the reanimated corpse, or “undead” zombie. These are zombies that were once dead humans and have been reanimated, or brought back to a semi-life state through a variety of causes, including but not limited to magic and sorcery, chemical or bio-hazardous materials, parasitic creatures, and supernatural phenomenon. These zombies are typically gruesome to look at depending on how long they were previously dead, the manner in which they died, and where their bodies were when reanimated.

Undead zombies are slow moving, and lack all cognitive capabilities and have only basic motor function. They will advance on any living and moving creature unceasingly as their only sustenance comes from the devouring of brain matter. It has been long theorized that eating fresh brain matter will restore their decayed brains, resulting in a gradual return of their cognitive abilities, and would possibly lead to the reintroduction of a zombie into civilized life. Testing has proved however, that zombies receiving regular meals of fresh brains do not regain any of their missing brain power, but do result in a very smelly laboratory and extreme deficit of willing experimentation participants.

The second type of zombie that you are likely to encounter is the “infected” zombie. The life cycle of these zombies begins with a live host becoming infected through a variety of means, usually through the bite of another infected zombie, but any introduction of infected saliva of blood into a non-infected host’s system will result in that specimen becoming infected as well. The infection then rapidly spreads and takes over the host’s nervous system and ultimately their entire body. This process may take several days or a few hours, depending on the severity of the infection whether or not anyone has noticed the infection site. Typically, if the infection has gone unnoticed, the process will take longer, but this is not always the case.

The infection can come in several varieties, ranging from the natural chemicals produced from angry and unruly primates, top secret governmental research on soldier enhancement or bio-weaponry, or alien intervention. Characteristic signs of an infected zombie are unnatural speed, super human strength, and the desire to kill any other living creature. They will do so unceasingly and are to be more feared due to their lingering cognitive abilities. While their brain power is severely diminished, infected zombies still retain the ability to rationalize and solve simple problems, such as opening doors, climbing over obstacles, or knocking the gun out of a foe’s hand instead of outright attacking.

The main difference between infected zombies and undead zombies, is undead zombies kill to eat the brains of victims, where infected zombies kill to either establish their dominance over inferior races, as their primitive brain requires, or to increase their numbers. However be warned that any attack by a zombie that does not result in severe damage to the body will turn the victim in to a similar typed zombie.


Killing a Zombie: All zombies share the same weaknesses and can be killed in several ways. The most effective way to kill a zombie is by removing the head from the body. While this is not always the easiest route to take, it should always be assessed as the most sure fire way to ensure the complete death of a zombie. Severing the spinal cord at the base of the brain will have the same results. If the head cannot be removed, the next desirable way would be to destroy the head. This can be accomplished in a number of ways. The safest would be to shoot the head, aiming at the center, with a high caliber rifle from a far distance. While accuracy is required, this is the safest option as it keeps the most distance between you and the zombie, allowing for more time to kill as many as possible before retreating or being taken over. Propelled explosives that will inflict a lot of damage to the head are just effective.

At closer ranges, large caliber hand guns and shotguns are the most effective, as accuracy can be difficult while running or under assault from several directions. As the distance between yourself and a zombie decreases, the danger of death exponentially increases, which is why hand-to-hand is best to be avoided, but in the event that zombies have gotten past your defenses and are closing in, some very important facts need to be kept in mind. Zombies act without the use of internal body systems, therefore attacking their limbs and torso are ineffective means of damage. You should still try to destroy the head or remove it from the body. At close ranges, a baseball bat is a good weapon, as bashing the head in is useful, and in the case of undead zombies, their flesh is less resilient than living flesh and a good swing with a Louisville Slugger may result in the detachment of the head or an excellent headsplosion. Remember, blood spatter from infected zombies can cause infection!

Note: Always be mindful of your surroundings, and use whatever is available to defend yourself or kill and oncoming zombie. As a last resort in hand-to-hand confrontation a wooden stick to the head, commonly known as the “Shrute,” will sufficiently damage the brain, similar to vampire hunting.

Unless you are a trained military soldier, experienced vampire/preternatural hunter, or beet farmer, direct hand-to-hand combat with zombies should be avoided at all costs. The skills needed to overcome the overbearence and psychological effects of a zombie are only attained through years of training or beet farming.

Other methods of killing zombies include fire and explosions, large vehicles covered with razor wire and spikes, and falling rocks and structures. When using fire, be aware that infected zombies, being much faster, have the propensity to continue their rampage while on fire and can light other objects, people and zombies are fire, which may or may not work to your advantage, so always assess the situation when using fire.

Contrary to rumor, sunlight does not kill zombies, however some infected zombies may be severely burned by solar radiation, but this typically only occurs after years of living in the dark, or an side effect of the infecting substance to destroy melanin in the skin.


Protecting Yourself Against a Zombie Attack: Large, heavily structured buildings with few exists offer the best protection. These include churches, provided few stained glass windows on the ground floor, hospitals, and industrial complexes. Also super markets may be used, which will also offer supplies, but remember to barricade off loading docks.

If you cannot get to such a structure, avoid going outside, and remain in whatever building you are in at the time of attack. Close and lock all windows and doors and barricade them with wooden chests, couches, beds and chairs. Just remember not to use any furniture being used to barricade a window. Close all drapery and avoid exposure through windows. It is best to remain on the upper floors, to increase lookout range and provide the maximum distance between yourself and zombies. Also turn off all lighting and radios/televisions. Refrain from large amounts of noise as this will attract otherwise uninterested zombies.

If a large vehicle is in the vicinity and you have decided to escape, first load the vehicle only with necessary supplies and equipment. Cover the windows with wood or metal, and be sure to secure all doors from opening from the outside.

Note: It is proper etiquette that after sustaining an injury, or coming into contact with an infection that will result in your turning, to warn all members of your party as such so they may make arrangements to shoot you dead upon first signs of zombification. It is still your duty to take out as many zombies as possible, and in the event that a party member need be left behind to save the rest, you are bound to make that sacrifice.


Zombies and Your Party: While many party configurations exist, knowing the dynamics of yours will help you to survive an attack. If you are alone, and few people like you, you will most likely die, so do not be this person. Also the overliked person will also come to a gruesome end, so don’t be him either. If you are an outsider to the group you will most likely be killed, unless you bring important skills or information. Black people, I’m sorry, horror movie rules apply here. If there are two men with equal specialized skill sets, one will die, most likely the other will too. If there is a party member constantly whines, it is easiest to sacrifice this person, as it will put the others at ease. If someone tends to freak out and scream a lot, shoot this person, they will eventually panic and forget to close a door or lead a zombie army to you.

Couples in a party will have difficulty making it all the way through if they have a well established relationship, however budding or reviving romances will survive.

Old people always die. Always. Kids usually survive, someone needs to tell their story. If someone is injured, that will not result in their zombification, they will generally survive provided it was a heroic act that caused their injury. Stupidity will only ensure your death.


While this is not a complete guide to zombie attack survival, it is a good starting point and could prove the difference between your survival and or separation from your much needed brains. Please continue to practice your survival skills and always remember that a zombie attack can occur at any time. Zombies are a very real danger, and you should always be on the lookout for zombies and their surprise attacks. Please inform your loved ones and never let someone tell you that you are foolish for your precautions! Good luck!

At Least This Weekend Should Be Fun!

I got to exercise my Masshole today, I was pretty excited about that, but I'll get to that shortly. I'm starting this post by letting you know my body is ready to kill itself. I've invested my time bouldering lately, meaning hardcore rock climbing that stresses the arms, fingers, shoulders, and toes? a lot more than regular rock climbing would... It's completely awesome, and I love it, please pardon my lack of fun and unusual descriptors, but I'm saving them for a bit later.

Both my knees are aching, one legitimately at least, my upper back is constantly sore, as well as my neck, but that's from belaying. My forearms have never been this strained, barring all masturbation jokes, and I'm pretty sure I know what a broken toe feels like now... Still it's a whole new kind of rush while your body hangs from your fingertips over large plushy mats that are as fun to fall on as it is frustrating to actually fall. And to finish a route that you've been working on for a hours if not days? A sense of accomplishment that is only amplified by the small amounts of endorphins and adrenaline in your system. Do it!

Here it is, and most of you have probably already heard this, but I'll try to be a bit more articulate and imaginative about it. So here I am coming to a red light, slowing down and taking my place hugging the yellow line to courteously allow for traffic going straight to have enough room to do so, and some dumb dyke bitch (oh, they will get better) driving a truck a hundred times larger than her evolutionarily smaller gendered brain can handle driving correctly, taking a right onto the oncoming lane of the street I'm on. Of course, she has no idea how to properly turn a truck around a corner, and the dumpster dropped results of a drug induced blackout concluding with incestual rape, comes within inches of decimating the driver's side of my gorgeous green Jeep.

Now, the retarded, abortion surviving love child of Bubba Joe and Bobby Sue slams on her brakes, and sneers down her crooked beak of a witch nose at me and has the balls large enough to cause the suspension of her gasoline sucking, poison emitting Ford POS 150 to strain, to actually be mad at me. Somehow, this genetic reject finds in her the bile and audacity, shear fucking gall, to actually think I was at fault for her obvious and inevitable disastrous attempt at driving!

So taken aback was I that I was left speechless, forgetting for a moment someone would actually exist (and of course that she did, and in Rochester...) whose ill-formed gray matter could arrive at such a conclusion, but that I had just encountered her, and she was mad at me! This I will never be able to explain, nor comprehend, and despite generations of secluded and celibate monks (please note the paradox) dedicating their time to explaining such events with little avail, will never find the purpose for such an encounter.

After the effects of the wretched gaze, peppered with hate and served with a side plate of disgust, I opened my door, as the window would have taken too long, threw out my left hand, and gave her the Masshole salute, complete with a single finger flying high and a pronounced wave to announce to the line of cars behind me, I meant everything implied with the gesture with added hate and vengeance.

I doubt the bitch saw it, nor do I care. As far the universe is concerned, my actions were justified and order is now restored. Let this be only a single account to represent the hundreds of driving debacles I face each day, only a single testament to the horrid being known as a New York Driver. Powers That Be help us.

The names of the parties at fault were changed to protect the innocent, illustrate the level of perversion witnessed, and for your enjoyment.