As I Wear Two Different Shoes

Major chrisis. My level of asshole has dropped significuntly, if you haven't already noticed from the gross lack of offensive material in my latest posts. I've been swearing less, driving less like the true Masshole that I am, and even giving New York drivers a break when they inevitably drive incorrectly. My insults have been come nigh amicable and my temper has all but ceased to flare.

Most disturbingly, I've been having a distressing urge to shave, or at least quaintly trim, my beard. I know! How sick is this, that I want to actually deface what makes me the greatest man alive since, well ever in my own eyes, but my own face? How perposterous does this sound to anyone who knows me well enough to know these thoughts are the core being of everything I despise, and to have the undying volition to succumb to them? What is becoming of me?

I have my suspicions, of what could be causing this faithless and debauched transendence of mine, and I'm sure some of you may have figured it out as well. But Myself-willing, I will only be defeated by the most unholy of actions that would cause me the pleasure I so forcefully and unequivocally seek, and remove your mind from the gutter because that's not what I'm talking about (Sara).

I will mull over this for the time being and return with hopefully some good news. If not, know that I went down in a blaze of glory matched in proportion only to my beard, and a maelstrom of the most depraved. Or I pussed out and am contently living the life I desperately dread at the time of writing this.

Pre-parting note: As I write this, in my mind's eye the world is being ravaged by fires from the heaven's, demons from the hell's and Zeus' lightning strikes the ground with the force of exploding suns. In the middle of this blitzkrieg of apocalyptic immensity, I stand alone, pushing the bodies of the fallen and weary from me, and face this unruly force that threatens everything you know and love about me. And damn, does my beard look as epic as ever.

It's time to stop complaining over your problems and finally do something about them.